Im at strip club and am horny
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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