I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
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