So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
