We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Im part way to drunk.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
