This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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