So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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