then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
