I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
