Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize