Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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