When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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