im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
