I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Randomize
