I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Randomize
