when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
