I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
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