I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
