You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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