Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
