i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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