Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
