I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
