i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize