like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
