so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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