look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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