i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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