The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
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