I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
