so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
