Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
