My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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