He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
