i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
he puts the penis in happiness.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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