so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
