The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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