Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I think my fart just growled at me.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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