His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
