I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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