I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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