seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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