I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
