I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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