he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
