I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
