So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
