i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
