If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
