Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
