Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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