I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Sorry about my life...
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
