It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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