but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
