You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize