She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
