i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
