you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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