I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
