I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You have to summon your inner elephant
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
