so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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