i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
