I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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