Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
