You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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