he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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