So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Bring me that man meat
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
