i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Randomize
