I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
lets start a swedish sibling band together
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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