i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
