Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
